Context

Delivering difficult feedback is one of the most challenging aspects of being a manager, especially a new one. Many managers, even experienced ones, struggle with delivering feedback - the results of which can be damaging to the individual concerned, the team, and even the wider organisation.

Delivering difficult feedback and delivering it well, therefore, is crucial - both for an individual’s growth and for the team and/or company’s success.

There are many ways to deliver difficult feedback badly. Because people find it hard to deliver difficult feedback, they often take missteps (all be them potentially well-intentioned).

We know delivering difficult feedback is uncomfortable, challenging and difficult to get right. So, how can we get it right?

Like many aspects of management, the best way to learn how to do something well is to try different methods out, reflect on them, and learn how to do better next time. This may include making some monumental screw-ups along the way. And that’s OK, as long as you acknowledge them, learn from them, and do better next time.

Over the years, and after trying a number of different methods for delivering difficult feedback (and getting it wrong, reflecting, and pledging to do better next time), I’ve found a format that works well for me and, thus far, has led to very successful outcomes (with a 100% success rate of the individual saying words to the effect of ‘Thank you’ and ‘this makes sense’). I’d like to share this method and format with you, in case it works well for you also.

Getting feedback right

Before I get into my approach, let’s talk a bit about some of the important factors in getting the environment right to deliver difficult feedback successfully and a bit about the key characteristics of ‘good’ feedback.

Build relationships first

Giving difficult feedback is hard enough. To have the best chance of it leading to successful outcomes, you’ve got to first put in the time to build a relationship with the individual. If you want the feedback to be acted upon, the individual you are giving it to has got to trust you and believe that you are coming from a place of support. The individual needs to feel you understand their position and the context that feeds into the situation or situations you want to discuss.

Whilst feedback should also be timely, delivering difficult feedback to an individual you are newly line managing and haven’t had a chance to build a relationship with first, is unlikely to be successful (and, worse, likely to impact your ability to build a positive relationship with that individual thereafter). This is one of the few occasions in which I recommend not delivering feedback in a timely fashion. In this situation, I recommend delaying the feedback until the relationship is built if it is appropriate to do so, or, if delivering the feedback cannot wait, seeking an alternative member of the management or leadership team who already does have a relationship with the individual to deliver the feedback.

Make feedback timely

Apart from the scenario described above, feedback should happen as soon as practicable after the ‘event’ or series of events that led to it. There are no hard and fast rules on timing but I’d recommend delivering feedback within a few days after a specific event that warrants difficult feedback and as soon as it is evident that a series of smaller events is becoming a problem.

Feedback should never be ‘saved up’ for something like an annual (or even quarterly) performance review. If the feedback you are delivering in these settings is a surprise to the individual you are delivering it to, you have not done a good enough job at delivering feedback on an ad-hoc basis as needed.

Deliver feedback privately and individually

Difficult feedback should never be delivered to an individual in a public setting. It should always be delivered privately. Trust can be damaged irreparably by delivering individual feedback in an open setting.

Equally, feedback for an individual should never be introduced as a ‘group’ problem. This can have three unintended effects. Firstly, it can cause confusion for the group and leave all parties wondering if the feedback is intended for them or someone else. Secondly, it can cause frustration for those in the group to whom the feedback is not aimed. Thirdly, the individual or individuals for whom the feedback is intended may not realise the feedback is intended for them and, therefore, choose not to respond to it. All round, it’s just a bad situation - but it happens with surprising frequency.

Finally, feedback for an individual should only address behaviour and actions relevant to that individual. Being held responsible for the actions of others is not only a bitter pill to swallow but also an impossible situation to put someone in and expect them to improve.

Don’t do it.

Make feedback specific and actionable

There’s nothing worse than vague feedback. Oftentimes in my career, I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve received some feedback and my first reaction is, “I have no idea what to do with that feedback or what it is even referring to”. This is a fail. Getting specific about feedback is uncomfortable, there are no two ways about it, but being vague about feedback can have any number of unintended negative effects, such as causing anxiety and stress for an individual.

If you are looking for a positive outcome, help the individual understand very clearly and specifically what the concern is; what the expected behaviour in that situation is; how their behaviour fell short of that expectation; and help them understand what they can do going forward to do better. Providing clear and specific examples of behaviour missteps is crucial if you want someone to understand where they need to improve and help them identify ways to do it.

Base feedback on observations, not hearsay

It’s easy to get caught up in hearsay when it comes to feedback. We’re all busy people and, sometimes, taking the time to validate concerns that may have been brought to your attention can seem arduous, but, trust me, for a successful outcome, it’s essential.

I have experienced a number of occasions in which concerns have been escalated to me as a manager that, on further investigation, have turned out to be quite a different situation from the one brought to my attention. Interpersonal issues can lead to escalations about an individual that are not based on fact or observations and more likely based on feelings. It’s important not to act impulsively and take the time to understand the problem from a number of different angles and to base feedback on fact and observations rather than on feelings.

Getting this wrong could have the unintended effect of damaging your relationship with a direct report irreparably and/or losing trust from your team.

Base feedback on behaviour, not personality

Feedback should always be based on behaviour and not on personality. There’s a huge difference between the following two statements in terms of how they will be received and how likely someone hearing them will be to take action on the feedback:

• “You are rude and offensive”
• “Your actions can be perceived as rude and offensive (and here are some examples)”

Remember, you are trying to express the impact of the individual’s actions, not who they are.

Give some prior warning, but only a little

Receiving difficult feedback without knowing it’s coming can make the whole process more likely to fail. Instinctively, the first thing we do as humans when we hear criticism is to put up our defences. This is only natural. If the entire feedback discussion happens when the individual’s defences are up, you’re less likely to make headway towards positive outcomes.

Equally, giving too much warning that criticism is coming can also lead to a lot of stress and anxiety.

I recommend giving anywhere between 1 and 24 hours prior warning that you want to discuss some feedback before sending the written feedback (see ‘Document the feedback’).

Some situations will require your immediate response. If a situation has occurred in which not acting immediately will likely cause further harm, giving a heads up is not appropriate. If a situation requires an immediate response, deal with it immediately in whatever format is at your disposal at the time.

Document the feedback

There are many circumstances in which feedback on minor behavioural concerns doesn’t need to be documented and can be delivered as part of an informal conversation. But, when it comes to delivering difficult feedback - ‘difficult’ being described here as feedback pertaining to a situation that, if not addressed, will likely lead to the individual being placed on a formal performance improvement plan and dealt with accordingly - documenting the feedback, at the very least in summary terms, is really important.

Why? It’s important for a few reasons.

Firstly, the first time anyone receives criticism, negative emotions are evoked - sometimes very strong ones. When an individual is in a particularly heightened emotional state, they are unlikely to interpret a conversation in as constructive a fashion as they would if not in this heightened emotional state. Documenting the feedback allows the individual to read through the feedback a few times when emotions have calmed and will likely elicit a more rational response.

Secondly, feedback should be reviewed periodically (until the problems identified no longer appear to be problems), and relying on memory alone to do this can lead to any number of pitfalls.

If you find yourself in a situation that requires your immediate response, documenting the feedback before giving it is neither practical or appropriate. In these circumstances, it’s still important to document the feedback, but you can do so after the fact.

How I deliver difficult feedback

Below is my tried and tested approach for delivering difficult feedback. This approach has been developed over a number of years and is an approach that works well for me. It might work well for you too.

This approach is relevant for feedback, which is difficult and unsuitable for an ad-hoc informal conversation, and/or for feedback that does not require your immediate response.

Here’s how I do it.

Investigate the problem

First, I investigate the problem, particularly if a concern has been brought to my attention that I have not directly observed. If I feel I don’t have enough to go on initially, I start to gather information to help me identify the nature of the concern and find (which, in some cases involves asking for) specific examples of the behaviour. If appropriate I will also gather other perspectives (this is not always possible or appropriate). Once I have enough to go on, I move on to the next step.

Document the feedback

The feedback format I use for delivering feedback generally takes the following form (in pretty much every circumstance):

• An introduction to the feedback, including my intentions (to help the individual grow/identify blind spots etc.)
• A list of feedback themes (there may only be one theme), including, for each theme
  • A description of the behaviour
  • The effect that behaviour can have or has had
  • A/some specific example(s) of the behaviour (this is crucial)
• My expectations
• Recommendations and next steps

An example template with two anonymised examples is here.

Provide a ‘heads up’

I contact the individual (via direct messaging, email, video call or in-person - whatever is most appropriate for the situation) and let them know that I’d like to book in a meeting to discuss some feedback with them. I tell them that I am going to document that feedback and ask if they would like to review the written feedback before we have that conversation.

I have never had anyone say no to this so far (but if they do, respect that and deliver the written feedback after the conversation)

In addition to providing the individual with some fore-warning that a feedback discussion is coming, providing a heads up also has the added benefit of committing you to delivering the feedback.

Schedule the feedback session

I schedule a meeting to discuss the feedback somewhere within a 24 - 48 hour timeframe, ensuring it is understood that the subject of the scheduled meeting will be solely to talk through some feedback.

Send the documented feedback

I then send the feedback, shortly after giving the individual the ‘heads up’ (but not immediately - I want the emotions evoked from knowing difficult feedback is coming to have calmed a little before they first read through it).

Ordinarily, I will send the feedback within a few hours of giving the ‘heads up’ and at least 24 hours before the scheduled meeting to discuss the feedback.

When I send the feedback, I do the following:

• Reassure the individual that my role as their manager is to support them and that my intention in providing the feedback is to help them grow and that I am here to help them do that
• Advise the individual to read the feedback through initially, then, let some time pass, and read it through again before the scheduled meeting to discuss the feedback. I let them know that I understand the first time they read the feedback, emotions will be evoked, that these may hinder them from reflecting on the feedback on the initial review and that that second review is, therefore, really important in helping them do that

Discuss the feedback

At the scheduled meeting, I generally go through the following format:

• Remind the individual that I am here to support them and to help them grow and that delivering this feedback is part of that process
• Remind the individual that this is not a formal performance improvement plan and that the desired purpose of this feedback session is to avoid a formal performance improvement plan needing to be put in place in the future
• Ask them generally how they feel about the feedback
• Ask them if there is anything they would like to share with me that is an influencing factor for any of the behaviour (for example, any personal circumstances)
• Address each theme at a high level and ask for the individual’s perspective; ensure they understand the expectations; ask if they have any additional actions they think they can take to improve in the areas highlighted
• Ask them what I can do to help
• End the meeting agreeing on a time frame in which to revisit the feedback and assess if improvements have been made

Email followup

After the meeting, I follow up with an email summarising anything new that was discussed in the meeting (including any additional actions) that is not already covered in the feedback document, with a reminder of any time frame for review agreed.

Follow through on commitments

If there are actions I have committed to, I make sure I complete them.

If there are conversations I need to have with others, I make sure I have them.

If I have committed to giving the individual every opportunity to address the concerns, I make sure I remain open-minded and help the individual find or present them with opportunities to demonstrate improvement.

Closing thoughts

And that’s it. In a nutshell.

Delivering difficult feedback can be a fair investment of your time, but of all the things you spend time on as a manager, this activity is one that is well worth investing a significant amount of time in. How you deliver difficult feedback can be the difference between turning someone into a high performer and losing a team member all together or losing trust from a team member or team members.

Be radically candid. Be empathetic. And get this right.